Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
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I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Pigeon open mic night.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread