I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”