[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
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Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
this is so top tier i cant
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles