Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice