@TrainedHedonist: Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I'm like, "what is wrong with me??" because I just got my car washed.
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@JosesLovesYou: For my new tattoo, I'm totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: A watched pot never boils. Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: ... Me: ... Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
@noimnotjewish: Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that "It's 4 am!" attitude, mmkay?