Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
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Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Self-cleaning conscience
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP