ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist