@meganamram: Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a pear-shaped woman's body
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@KrunkedRobot: Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station's phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
@Troman88: I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
@onion_an: [coming home from cinema] Don't let that ninja film go to your head again. *roundhouse kicks the light switch on* "I won't"