At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.