“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
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Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
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Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me trying to walk in a dream
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.