The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Social distancing in Australia:
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.