@sammyrhodes: Sometimes I feel like Valentine's Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.
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@Gooooats: *calls wife into the bedroom* *dims the lights* *turns on Marvin Gaye* *sexily sweeps toddler's collection of trucks off the bed*
@bobvulfov: [standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents] ME: this zoo is terrible
@BlairLoudly: I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I'm not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
@cbdoubleu: *raises the bar 16 yrs later] Bar: even though you weren't my real father I always wanted to call you, dad. Dad. *me trying not to cry