Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.