@SteveDutzy: Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
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@SamuelHLowe: "Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
@briancthayer: Kid 1: Hurt my elbow School Nurse: Here's an ice pack K2: *fever* SN: Ice pack K3: *diarrhea* SN: Ice pack K4: *decapitated* SN: Ice pack
@fridaycandy: At a job interview: "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker." "Give me an example" "When do I start?"
@NicestHippo: I love emoji. No longer do I have to type out "This weather is yellow face with hearts instead of eyes"