@yonewt: Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like "Abso-fruit-ly!" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know
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@samfromks: *Enters $100 daily Fitbit challenge* *Pays marathon runner $20 to wear my Fitbit* *Buys $80 worth of donuts*
@Shock_Monster: Dance like no one is watching you while secretly videotaping to later be posted on YouTube so you become the latest worldwide laughing stock
@KKAlThani: Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.
@Mister_Veritas: ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little 'present' on my lawn GUY: Huh? ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?