[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
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In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
happy mother’s day❤️
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.