@yonewt: Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like "Abso-fruit-ly!" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know
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@markydoodoo: DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out* ME: cmon man DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out* ME: I'm so hungry, David
@JennyJohnsonHi5: Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.
@noog: Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you? "Regular coffee with cream please" That's $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales. "TEN?"
@Naked_Wombat: I'm not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.