I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
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I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.