I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
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The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.