ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours