Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
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Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.