Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
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I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
what does he know…
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
one last job
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner