Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?