@nerdamage: Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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@MoistPork: Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let's make beautiful, douchey babies together.
@murrman5: [at divorce lawyer] bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen "he didn't" he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
@valerie_tosi: Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.