Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
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I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.