Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Worth the read.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive