Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Breaking news:
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk