Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.