Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
I am having an out of money experience.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.