@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.
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@ericsshadow: My wife ordered a pizza from Papa John's but I saved a step by throwing up before it got here.
@MariyaAlexander: Whenever people say they're willing to do "whatever it takes" to "make it in Hollywood" they never mean "patiently work on their craft".
@EndhooS: "What's for dinner?" Updog & chips. "Does updog have gluten in it?" No..wait..you're supposed to say... "You know I can't have gluten Karen"
@JaymayAllDay: You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.