@abhorrent_wife: Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it's frosting.
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@rockymomax: [first day as 911 operator] ME: 911 what's your- your- *looks over to boss* BOSS: emergency ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
@3sunzzz: *shows up at your potluck party with a bag full of weed* "I think I misunderstood the invitation."
@AbrasiveGhost: [Opens a beer at the park] "Dude. There's kids here." Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
@mollymcnearney: Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.