Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
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My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I don’t think my car can fly
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Favourite diary entry ever
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun