I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
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[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Choose your fighter
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
I’m sorry…what?
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.