Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
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My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Eggs are just drums you can only play once