Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
You Might Also Like
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes