Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Why soy sad?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices