Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
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Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.