@dumbbeezie: Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
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@BoogTweets: Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan? Cashier: No, it's not an actual bu… Me: *loads nutrigun* Cashier: What the heck?
@BoomBoomBetty: [Me, being lowered into my grave. Email still buzzing nonstop] Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
@squirrel74wkgn: Don't worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn't be lost much longer.
@GrantTanaka: Wife's been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o's on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help