Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.