Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
You Might Also Like
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.