Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
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Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Dead sexy!!
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
My zodiac sign is pistachio