Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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