@Avepates: Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
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@Smug_Lemur: It looks like bathroom tai chi but it's me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
@amydillon: *ties husband's hands to headboard* *turns out lights* *opens laptop* "Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation 'Curtains: How About These?'"
@XplodingUnicorn: Texas principal: If that's a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it? Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
@sixfootcandy: Me: Mmm...I love your milky white skin. Him: Ma'am are you registered for this class? Me: Yes Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.