@Avepates: Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
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@mommy_cusses: Being a mom means saying things that shouldn't be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, "EAT YOUR CEREAL!" for example.
@murrman5: [senses date is losing interest in me] "my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine"
@TastyTuneTweets: Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
@Jc1Johnny: If a woman wants to date me, she has to meet my strict criteria 1. Hair 2. At least one eye 3. A pulse 4. Not that bothered about 1