@Avepates: Sometimes I like to hysterically tell mall security that my infant son has gone missing just so I can show people baby pictures of myself.
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@thenatewolf: What era would you have fit best in? Mine is the one where whenever anything went wrong you could blame witches.
@Papa_Mex: You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer? -Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts
@dafloydsta: [job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? "I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man" *under his breath* holy shit he's good
@lildandeli0n: I'm pretty sure Kanye West is the reason why we arent allowed to retweet our own tweets.