If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
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waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Time for evil
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*