*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
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Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
They got a point!
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.