If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
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HEYYYY MACARENA
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.