@Sarcasticsapien: Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you? 4-year-old: I won.
@indecision: New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
@tchrquotes: When she said "I think we got way too much pizza." I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
@gerryhallcomedy: My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She'll have cereal.