Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
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“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
wish me luck lads
i dont have time for this
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.