OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
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Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I might carry a baby with one hand.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
these two trucks have the same bed length
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.