If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
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Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad: