No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.