Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
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I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.