17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
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9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.