Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related