Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
this post was so formative to me
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?