Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
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I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Sending in my taxes
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*