Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
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WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
i dont have time for this
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]