Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
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i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire