Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
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Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
*watches the world burn*
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.