@myles_morrison: Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.
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@DevinRange: I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying "Dark" Vader I may have to sell him.
@kashmir_lover1: Autocorrect changed Friend to Fiend but sleeping with a Fiend with Benefits is actually a little more exhilarating
@iQuoteComedy: If you watch the Harlem Shake backwards, it's a video about a guy who parties longer than everyone else.
@carlyken: Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won't eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I'll hold. Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori