@myles_morrison: Sometimes I miss my real friends and then I think, screw them, they don't even star my tweets.
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@Rollmaninoz: BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying "present company excluded of course" after highly offensive statement
@FreudsTwin: Mad scientist- Checks for Labs Bartender- Checks for Tabs Boxer- Checks for Jabs Uber- Checks for Cabs Your back - Checks for Stabs
@ScreaminMomX2: Parenting tip: If your toddler is being quiet then they are probably doin somethin like tryin to flush the cat down the toilet.
@lcwf70: Failed Hallmark card: I'm sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me. I thought you were going to take my taco.